I’ll admit it. I’m stir-crazy. Perhaps not as bad as one of my friends who is threatening to sail away on a mattress, but it’s close.

We’re all stuck at home. We’re all stuck on land until at least Halloween (for now.)

Let’s fix it. Let’s have a virtual cruise. We’ll just declare the house a cruise ship. Just tell people you’re sailing on the Norwegian Carnival of the Seas.

Since everything I could ever consider (Tacos, Lasagne, Beer, Ice Cream, Left-handed People, Talk Like A Pirate) has a national day, I declare tomorrow and every Saturday, as Cruise Ship Saturday.

Preparation for Sailing

Here’s how to “cruise ship” your house:

• Place at least two bottles of booze in every other room of the house. These are your bars. (Use your bedroom for one of the bars, so you have 24-hour bar service without leaving bed.) For an extra touch, separate the booze by types, so you have a Margarita bar, an English Pub, a wine bar, and a pool bar.
• If you have a pool, block off at least two-thirds of it so it is the proper size for a cruise ship pool. If you don’t, make a small puddle in your backyard with the hose.
• Block off at least one bedroom. This is your suites area. You can’t go in there during the cruise because Not Worthy.
• Spread out all the food in your refrigerator on your dining room table. This is the 24-Hour Buffet. Organize the food by country or region (Chinese leftovers in one corner, then Mexican leftovers, then cold pizza.)
• Wrap towels around your dogs. They are now service animals, and ready to sail with you.

A Lovely Cruise

• Have your partner get up at 5am and go put towels on all the lawn chairs in your yard and patio. The chairs are now yours for the rest of the day. Go back to bed.
• Have an early breakfast at the buffet. Make sure to always fill your plate. It’s fine if you leave food, you paid for it! Have your partner make you some eggs to order at the Omelet Station. Send them back.
• While you are finishing breakfast, have your partner go make the bed and replace the towels. Your partner is your room steward. Remember to tip for good service.
• When you see your partner in the hall, ask why there is no ice in the bedroom.
• At 9:15am sharp, report to your front porch. Stand around for fifteen minutes for no apparent reason, then wander around your neighborhood, practicing proper social distancing. Use masks as locally required. Point out the other neighbors’ houses to your partner, and identify who lives where. This is the Local Sites to See excursion. You are the tour guide. If you find a garage sale, spend an inordinate amount of time there. When you get back, wait ten minutes before going into the house. Everyone came back at once. Charge your partner $50.
• After the excursion, cool off by the pool. Take all the towels off all the chairs and dump them in a pile on the lawn. Have your partner come ask you what happened to his or her towel. Have an argument about towels, rights of possession and chair ownership. Buy your partner drinks until he or she calms down.
• At 3pm sharp, go to the living room and make 37 different drinks by mixing tequila with every other liquid in your house. Garnish each drink with a lime wedge. This is the Margaritas class. Charge your partner $50.
• At 4pm sharp, if you haven’t passed out, go to the living room and make 37 different drinks by mixing vodka with every other liquid in your house. Serve all drinks in martini glasses. This is the Martini class. Charge your partner $50.
• Dress up for dinner. This requires polo shirts and at least dress shorts for men, nice dresses for women. (Men, wear sandals and tell your partner you knew it wasn’t really a rule. Women, make your men go put real shoes on.) You have anytime dining, so just go to the kitchen table whenever you want. Wait for ten minutes outside the kitchen table because you didn’t book a specific time to dine. Order one of everything on the menu, because Cruise Ship. Have three desserts.
• Explain to your partner that he really should have been wearing a jacket and tie because Formal Night.
• After dinner, go to your room and change out of your dress clothes, because Vacation.
• Head out to the pool. Play all your old Jimmy Buffett CDs at full volume. Play Margaritaville every five minutes. It’s a Calypso Party. Drink the rest of the tequila.
• Wander into the living room. Play all your old 60s R&B CDs at full volume. Play Shout every five minutes. It’s a Toga Party. Drink the rest of the vodka.
• Stop in each of the bars and have a drink. It’s a Pub Crawl. For small houses or enlarged livers, do the circuit twice.
• Order UberEats or Grubhub at midnight from whatever random restaurant is still open in your area. Complain to your partner that your favorite dish is not available, when they have it in the restaurant during regular hours.
• Go to the buffet while waiting for delivery because Starving. Discover all the food has been replaced by four Hershey bars and a bag of M&Ms. It’s the Midnight Chocolate Buffet.
• When the food order arrives, take it to your partner in the bedroom. It’s room service. Charge your partner $12.95. When you finish your snacks, leave your plates in the hall.
• After your midnight snack, go play Nintendo or your XBox. (Older people, play cards or Monopoly.) Bet your partner you can win. It’s the Casino.
• After spending all the cash collected from your partner in the casino, call it a night. Drink any of the booze left in your bedroom. It’s the minibar. Charge your partner $7.50 per drink.
• Make sure you’re all packed up. Disembarkation starts at 7am and you have an early time to disembark.
• At 7am, find a statement under your door with a bunch of charges you don’t recognize. Wonder how much you actually had to drink. Blame the charges on your partner.
• Fill in a survey two days after your cruise. Bitch about the pool chair situation and the excess charges.