As we are currently underway on cruise number eighteen, I can finally admit that am an unemployed pirate. It is an interesting job. Well, it’s not really a job, if I’m unemployed. I suppose I’m an unemployed chef, as well, because I made fish sticks for lunch the other day.
Jimmy Buffet sang, “Yes, I am a pirate … 200 years too late”, and I know the feeling. I want to be a pirate. Actually, I want to be a movie pirate. For real pirates, the hours aren’t that good, there’s apparently lots of work, and you might get killed or imprisoned.
It seems much simpler (and safer) to just take a cruise, demand drinks and food from the cheerful staff, and say, “Thank ye, matey!” when your order is delivered. I’m pretty sure most pirate ships didn’t have room service.
Still, it seems like putting “Pirate” on a resume (or a business card) would stand out as a desired position, and then you would also have the advantage of writing off all your vacation cruises as job training. Tax piracy is still piracy, right? (This is why www.texaspirate.com now redirects to this site. Planning ahead.)
So, take a GPS on your next cruise. There’s probably one built into your phone. Track your coordinates as you travel from port to port. Now, you’re a navigator. Sure, you probably still need to know how to read paper charts and use a sextant, but that’s just if you forget to charge your phone.
Tell your traveling companion to go get you a drink. If you get a drink, you’re the Captain. If you’re told to get your own damn drink, you’re probably just the First Mate. Just don’t ever both wear T-shirts with your “ranks.” It’s very non-pirate, no matter how cute they are.
Yes, I am a pirate. I’m simply unemployed, and I would like a pirate job with decent hours, a medical plan more extensive than just an eye patch and a hook, room and board, and a good chance of advancement. I’d also like a retirement plan a bit more extravagant than a stud earring. Oh, and little chance for arrest.
I should also thank my doctor for the eye test, since otherwise I never would have found a patch. I’m just annoyed he wouldn’t let me keep it. Arrr.